My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
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Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I can fix him.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.