My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
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[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
All generalizations are stupid.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”