Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.