Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
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IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
No way!
Watson was Holmes schooled
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is