Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
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My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.