if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
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The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation