wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
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Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Oh. My. God.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.