[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
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A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
welcome back
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*