There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
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Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
spicy snake
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.