[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever