Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
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My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I really had high hopes for this year though
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.