Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
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My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
pls suprot
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.