Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
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HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies