I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
You Might Also Like
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
mood