I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
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A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
just witnessed a drug deal
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Kids, do not try this at home!
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no