My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
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I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.