“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
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I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen