I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
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No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat