[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
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Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?