therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
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Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on