I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
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The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me