God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
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Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I hope it’s French Onion!
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
SCARY COSTUME