Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
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i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
This is so me 😂😂