[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
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14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Bruh PLEASE
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
😂😂
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.