My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
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“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.