It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
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I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Me, flirting😏
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*