No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
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Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.