I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
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The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6: