I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
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Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Barbie gone wild
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.