Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
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ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
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Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.