Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
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I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I’M CRYINGGG
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.