I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
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[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Cinematography is my passion
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.