Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
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I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*