Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
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I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.