Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
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When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.