*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
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They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.