I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
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my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th