I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
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If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
just got my engagement photos
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck