“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
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…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Best table by far
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.