THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
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Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!