can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
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If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.