me trying to get a bartender’s attention
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THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Pretty much! 😂👀
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich