Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
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in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep