every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Chicken bread
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.