“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
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the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
our love story in four pictures
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?