I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
You Might Also Like
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
May never get over this
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”