Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
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the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom