Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
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My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
“You’d better run, egg!”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.