My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
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*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
This is sending me to another galaxy
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”