Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
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Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”